Life is crushing me right now.
Week nine of my summer is just beginning and I feel like I’ve lived an entire lifetime since I said my farewells and left GCU’s gates behind.
From Arizona to Florida to North Carolina to New York life has been a nonstop for so long now I don’t really remember what “relaxation” feels like.
For the most part I love living like this.
Then those moments come. Moments when I feels so overwhelmed I don’t know what to do. I feel trapped within myself. I want to cry. To claw myself out, using pain as an escape. To scream. To give up.
Moments when I can’t get out of this mindset of despair in order to unveil the hope that I know is waiting for me.
It is times like this, when all I have is head knowledge and a stubborn heart, that I feel broken. Worthless. Defeated.
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
It’s a mantra like this that zaps me of my strength. Makes me question “why, why, why?” and wonder what God is doing behind the scenes.
It introduces the doubt. Is He working in my brokenness at all?
Sometimes I get all fired up on an issue and I am ready to rush out the front door and right the world’s wrongs and my Maker looks at me and says “Be still. Listen. Be patient. Now is not the time.”
Sometimes I am comfortable sitting on my sofa, ignoring the world and all of its pain and hurt, because my own is all I can see. Then my Lord looks at me and says “Go. Be my hands and feet in a world full of sin. Be awkward and uncomfortable for me.”
And it’s hard. So freaking difficult.
I just don’t understand. Everything I do seems like poor timing and execution.
Everything about me is a failure.
I don’t understand the way God loves, or why God loves anyone at all. Especially me.
Even though I know that Christ has won, that IT IS FINISHED, and that all those who accept the love freely given are renewed and granted a new life. I know, I know, I know.
And yet, right now, the pain is real.
Right now I am tired and I am worn and I am lonely.
Right now the brokenness of the world, the brokenness of my own life is suffocating me.
And I don’t really remember what “hope” feels like in the midst of this city.